Friday, February 19, 2010

Tiger Woods apologizes to the world that he's not Jeezus Christ

Today, the world's most irrelevant billionaire put on a veritable clinic in insincere public apologies.

Since Tiger Woods believes it's the world he has wronged with his alleged infidelity, he addressed planet earth. He, of course, loses points on originality, since Conan O'Brien made that move about the galaxy-shattering news that he was losing or leaving The Tonight Show.

The only thing that could have made Tiger Woods' presentation more hollow and phony was if he had stood behind a life-sized cut out of himself, placed his lips in the cut-out mouth hole, and delivered his presidential address that way.

Tiger Woods is a golfer. People who wear visors with no sense of irony admire him. He has let down people who believe that "You da man!" is cool slang. He has ruffled the silken feathers of people who engage in what George Carlin once rightly described as "an arrogant, elitist game."

If he had a publicist worth anything, Tiger Woods would now shift gears, try some asymmetrical warfare, and run for governor of New York.

Today, Tiger Woods apologized to the world for not being Jeezus Christ. The world did not forgive him.

He should hit the RESET button and go on the old-new-new-again Tonight Show and drive golf balls into a net.


Buzznot1012 said...

What Tiger lacks in humanity, he makes up for in the bunkers.

Anonymous said...

Inspired by Tiger Woods, I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I, too, will no longer be making love to beautiful women all the time. It's been a difficult decision, but in the interest of down-home American Christian values, I will no longer be offering my body to beautiful broads. It will be a big shock to the hotties of the world, but in the interest of national security, I believe it is necessary.