Monday, October 18, 2010

Starbucks new offerings headed in the wrong direction

From The Street: Starbucks Tests Alcohol, Cheese Offerings.

This is a completely misguided turn for the Starbucks empire. If Starbucks is going to expand its offerings, it should move in the direction its customers are moving: toward homework supplies and sleep products.

It's not uncommon to visit a Starbucks location and find all the tables in the cafe filled with a plethora of students with their books and laptops, doing their homework.

Back in the sepia-tinged 20th Century, there were structures called "libraries" where this would be done. In this current age of Look-At-Me! every moment of the day, students prefer to exhibit themselves like performance artists in public places. Afterall, what's the point of doing anything if no one's there to see it?

Yesterday, I visited a Starbucks location and amid the students in the cafe, there was one who'd pulled two comfy chairs together and lay upon them, as though reposing at home.

Seeing this, I wondered, Why doesn't Starbucks have free duvets available, as well as free Wi-Fi?

Better yet, Starbucks should incorporate old railroad "sleep cars" into its cafes, that are locked on the store-side at closing time, but can be exited outside the store any time afterward when the Starbucks patron(s) has awakened and is ready to go home.

Starbucks also might consider installing rows of bleachers so that patrons who care to can sit and watch students do their homework.

If this is cost-prohibitive in these lean times, Starbucks, then, should consider wallpapering its largest cafe wall with a poster of people sitting in theater or sports arena seats so that the students doing their homework can at least have the illusion of being watched at all times.

Amid the music playing in the Starbucks, affirmations could be strategically inserted, telling these students, "Good job!" "You're doing great!" "Look how hard you're working!" "You're special!" and "My life for you!"

Starbucks patrons don't want wine and cheese. They want pillows, sleep masks, Sominex, lumbar support, pencil sharpeners and wall outlets in the walls every 16 inches.


Macphisto said...

My life for you - Hahahahahahaha!

Squirrelboy 9 said...

Look at me generation? Are you speaking negativity about the entitled one's Stamand? You should be ashamed of yourself and redemption should come in the form of you eating a bucket of bacon, you know, for awareness.

Great piece!

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