Sunday, September 04, 2005

The Bacon Grease Fleet: Energy Crisis Solved?

As the discovery of penicillin occurred by accident, and Alexander Graham Bell got beyond the final hump on his telephone invention by spilling acid or some other substance on the components on his workbench, so, too, have I inadvertently made a landmark discovery. One that may forever end our dependence on fossil fuels, and bring this looming energy crisis to heel.

It occurred on a Sunday in May. Mother's Day. My wife had organized a brunch at our house and invited the entire family over. As she worked the kitchen like a virtuoso one-man-band, I manned the BBQ grill, doing up sausages -- and bacon. While preparing to take over my duties, my wife said that I should put the bacon on a sheet of tinfoil, at least; to not just flop the strips onto the grill. As an experienced grill man, I have become expert on ignoring such good advice, and did so on that day.

However, when the very first strip of bacon I slapped onto the grill turned into a miniature inferno, I went into the house for some tinfoil. Then put the rest of the bacon on that, and set it on the grill.

All went well -- for a while. Trouble and discovery occurred when I attempted to flip the strips of bacon. In doing this, I unsettled the tinfoil, creating a small dent on the side over which the bacon grease poured onto the flaming coals of my BBQ. To say that the bacon fat ignited or merely caught fire would be an understatement. While it did not explode, I soon had a five foot column of flame rising from my BBQ. Since I do not yet have a back deck on which to BBQ, I do my grill work in my garage. Seeing the flames licking up the drywall separating the garage from our bedroom, I realized that this was probably not a good idea. My father and father-in-law, two men who have "been around the block," have stories of their own follies to tell, and who do not rattle easily, looked at me as though to say, "Do something!" Problem was, I was looking at them with the same expression. Somehow, I quelled the bacon debacle, and even managed to salvage most of the bacon.

But it got me thinking, "If bacon grease is so infernally combustible, why in hell are we not pouring that into our vehicle gas tanks?"

Why in hell not, indeed.

So, I propose to bring together a crack team of fast food preparation experts with a team of automobile engineers to create The Bacon Grease Fleet. It's a match made in heaven. Personally, I love bacon and I love driving. Surely I am not alone in this.

My innovation would increase demand for pork, buoying our livestock farmers. This would revive the meaning of "living high on the hog." Give a new spin to "pork barrell projects." Possibly inspire hiphop artists to name themselves "Bak'N" or "PorKadillaK." Best of all, The Bacon Grease Fleet could have as its mascot a pig wearing sunglasses. I love animals wearing sunglasses!

Rather than toxic hazes of pollution assailing our cities, the air everywhere would smell like bacon. Imagine it! The air smelling like bacon! This surely won't please vegetarians, of course, but in my experience nothing does (maybe this cause a knock-on effect with the incense industry; a win-win-win situation) And sure, the number of dogs chasing cars would increase, but what the hell, dogs need their exercise too.

Rather than old fashioned "fish tails" on cars, we could reinvent the look with "bacon strip tails" on cars. Shit, I'd buy two of those bad boys! No more pussified half-circle Volkswagens or crackerbox Hummers filling our highways and byways with mediocrity. Let's get some style back on the road. And then we could launch wars against swine producing nations. In reruns of old movies when some fat mogul shouts into his telephone about "buying pork bellies," it would have a whole new, contemporary meaning. I'm sick of old movies going out of style.

There would be no need to re-outfit gas stations to serve bacon grease fuel (its hip moniker to be "BGF"). Every fast food store in the world could rig up a pump on the side of their buildings opposite their drive-thrus.

Best of all, eating bacon would become a patriotic duty. On the Fourth of July, American TV could be filled with aged Veterans of Foreign Wars stoically munching down bacon strips while saluting during the national anthem. And Canada, so full to the brim with swine, particularly in Queen's Park and Ottawa, would become a Superpower: Candyman to the World.

It's time for new thinking.

It's time for the Pork Paradigm.


Ascendantlive said...

fantastic idea, and the "PorKadillaK", that's good.
And it may not be quite as rediculous as it first sounds. I was watching Discovery channel a while back and they were going over alternative fuel vehicles. And one man had actually modified his car to run on cooking grease from fast food restaurants. Once a week or so he'd go to McDonald's with a few empty drums and fill up, he'd filter the grease extensively of course(wouldn't want crusty french fries clogging up your engine) and then just dump it in his tank and drive off.
Other fuel sources that are now available and people do run cars off of them(though perhaps they are not available in the quantity necessary) : soybeans, ethanol(from corn), solar(has obvious problems), cooking oil, hydrogen, natural gas, and I'm sure there are others.

Whetam Gnauckweirst said...

The funniest alternative fuel I ever heard about was on a news report on the old Saturday Night Live -- back in about 1981 -- talking about cars running on vomit.