Friday, September 02, 2005

George W. to the Rescue: What Katrina Has Laid Asunder, Dubya Shall Inspect

George W. Bush, Lord of the Double Negative, decreed today: "Don't buy gas if you don't need it." Figuring I would do my part, I have postponed my annual Petrol Pinata Festival. I have also resolved to washing my car with gasoline every other day, rather than every day. I'm willing to bite the bullet along with everyone else. No frivolous use of gasoline will be permitted in my household -- our Halliburton gasoline-powered television set will not be on more than five hours per day, rather than the usual twenty. The gasoline I normally use when making batches of Singapore Slings will now be cut with pineapple juice. Those gosh darn fossil fuels -- they're such party pleasers! Now, I don't really need all of this gas, per se, but if I want it badbadbad enough doesn't that add up to need? I think so.

The president urged a crackdown on the lawlessness:

"I think there ought to be zero tolerance of people breaking the law during an emergency such as this -- whether it be looting, or price gouging at the gasoline pump, or taking advantage of charitable giving or insurance fraud," Bush said. "And I've made that clear to our attorney general. The citizens ought to be working together."

Personally, I am hoping that George W. Bush will once again don his flight suit, man his F-15 and do some strafing runs over New Orleans, ensuring the safety of Wal-Mart, et al.

F.E.M.A., now a part of the Department of Homeland Security, is moving with all the nimble dexterity of any other leviathan bureaucracy -- they are still looking for New Orleans on Mapquest. Whenever someone from the peanut gallery suggests adding "LA" in the "State" field, he is shouted down by those informing him that "New Orleans is not located in Los Angeles, you idiot!"

We shouldn't be too hard on BushCo regarding how egregiously flat-footed this tragedy has caught them. Previous experience dictates that planning for anything other than "best case scenarios" is not BushCo's forte. Maybe if we tell the administration they will be greeted by citizens throwing flowers...


Kidzombie said...

As a concerned citizen living in the United States, it's refreshing to see someone abroad take such an active role in participating in our democracy. Here is a link to a blog I was inspired to start myself recently:

Joel Oglesby

Todd said...

You are an idiot! Of course, your a red leaf so no explanation is needed.

Oh Canada, who would run to protect you?? The French?? Break out the white flags!!

Whetam Gnauckweirst said...

Todd, reactions like yours are what fuel my writing. The greatest sin anyone can commit is to be uninteresting. All you can deal in are hypotheticals because I live in a country that doesn't provoke hatred and violence against itself. We have many, many problems, of course -- when I lived in Ireland a few years ago I was weirdly heartened to hear how corrupt and terrible their politicians were. But we somehow manage to get through these without launching wrong-headed (or any) wars. Wish your Harvard-educated president would do the same.

Todd, you know that green lady standing in NY harbor, the Statue of Liberty, which is the universal symbol of America? Do you know who gave that to America? It was a gift from France.

If my country ever required aid, I would hope and pray self-righteous ignorant assholes such as yourself would remain at home watching Fox News, eating Cheetohs.

You know nothing about Canada for a reason -- you know what we want you to know.