Monday, October 05, 2009

JayStar -- Poor man's OnStar


Sometime after two a.m., the door to Burger World opens. A disheveled drunk stumbles into the place, clearly after a night of heavy consumption. The eel-eyed cashier is an unhappy teenager with a superiority complex. He sighs as the drunk approaches.

"Help you," the cashier says.

The drunk looks at the vast, illuminated menu board as though it's the transfiguration of Jesus Christ. "Jus' a sec," he belches. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of soiled change. He stares at it like he doesn't recognize the currency.

As another belch rises in his throat, the drunk takes out his cell phone and hits the JayStar button.

The signal banks off a dozing satellite and shoots into the squalid apartment, which serves as the JayStar headquarters.

JayStar, an unkempt man of indeterminate age, lounges in black jogging pants before a television showing reruns of Family Guy. His com-device signals with its distinctive beee-booop, rousing him. He grabs the handset.

"JayStar here -- go."

Back in Burger World, the drunk tries to collect his thoughts. "Uh, yeah man, whoa, I'm at Burger World and I only got two dollars and thirty one cents."

"What've you had tonight?" JayStar asks.

The drunk turns away from the counter. The cashier rolls his eyes.

"Uh, about eight beers, six rye-and Cokes and two doobs."

"How many people sharing the doobs?" JayStar inquires.

"Four of us."

"All right . . . today's what? Tuesday. OK, get the Fisherman's Catch Combo and an apple pie."

"Hang on," the drunk says into his cell phone. He turns to the cashier. "Gimme the Fisherman's Catch Combo and an apple pie."

The cashier punches the order into the register. "That'll be two dollars and twenty-nine cents."

The drunk slaps his change onto the counter. "Keep the change!" Into the cell phone he says, "Thanks JayStar!"


Party-time always leads to "munchie time," but seldom does it lead to "clear-thinking-time." But that doesn't bother you because you've got JayStar.

Having difficulty satisfying your munchies on a limited budget? Call JayStar, he'll instruct you on how to order the most food for the lowest price -- every time! Experiencing "option paralysis" choosing that last drink for the walk home? JayStar knows what you need. Having trouble navigating that confusing and convoluted telephone directory? Fear not, JayStar has the information you need.

For serious partiers, there is only one serious answer to those snags that keep you from enjoying your night to the fullest. Get JayStar today!


"This is JayStar -- go!"


Convenience store. After midnight. A burn-out stands in the snacks section, teetering like a tower in a windstorm. He suffers from option paralysis. In one hand, he holds a bag of Cheese Bursts. In the other, he holds a bag of Guacamole Diddlers.

Then inspiration hits.

The burn-out takes out his cell phone and hits the JayStar button.

The signal is slapshot into JayStar's apartment as he entertains some women he met in the laundry room of his apartment complex. JayStar, staying mentally limber, regales the ladies with an anecdote: ". . . dude's girlfriend carries a metal spoon in her smock so when she's giving the old guys sponge baths and one of them starts coming to attention, she gives his unit a thwack with the ole spoon --"


JayStar grabs the device-com's handset. "JayStar here -- go."

"Yeah, man, I'm at a store and I've been partying pretty heavy, and I don't know if I should get the Cheese Bursts or the Guacamole Diddlers."

"All right, Amigo," JayStar says, "breathe easy and tell me what you've had this evening."

"Uh, well," the burn-out wheezes, "I wasn't really counting --"

"That's OK, give me a rough ballpark guesstimate."

Eyes closed, trying to conjure images of his consumption that evening, the burn-out recounts: "Some beer -- about half a case at least. A fifth of vodka. Couple tequila shots. And some pot."

"Weed or oil?" JayStar inquires.

"Oil!" the burn-out says, momentarily recalling. "Oil. Right. Oil."

"If it was oil, go for the Diddlers. No question about it. Diddlers won't let you down."

The burn-out takes the bag of Diddlers to the counter and pays for them. As he walks out of the store, he raises his cell phone to his ear. "Thanks JayStar!"

"That's why I'm here," says JayStar.

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