Monday, July 11, 2005

Note From John Ashcroft to Tony Blair in a time of Significance, Latitude and Prayerful Preparedness

FROM: John (Ezekiel) Ashcroft
TO: Tony (Excalibur) Blair
TIME: 17:38:22 GMT
LOCALE: "Northwoods" Missile Silo Bungalo


In light of recent events I thought to send you this note with all the things I learned in Washington about running an effective war on an "ism" (no, don't wake the Minister of Metaphysics to explain this, just keep reading!).

You see, terrorism often causes people to "take their eye off the ball" (quaint American sports analogy; don't go running for your Minister of Culture & Protocol to explain). This note is to help you keep your eye on the "target".

First things first, you must remember: Bombs don't kill people, civil liberties kill people. As long as you have people walking around, free, lives are going to be lost. Sure, I believe that when people die, they go on to Glory (leave the Archbishop of Canterbury alone; Heaven! I mean Heaven!), but it's the role of the State to keep people on earth and out of Heaven for as long as possible. Says so in my favorite book of the Old Testament, The Book of Hegemony, 23:12 (leave the Librarian General alone and look this up for yourself! Be self-sufficient, goddamnit-- I mean, God bless you).

Second, remember the three by-words of fighting tyranny:
  • Surveillance
  • Jesus Christ
  • Mistrust
I have never traveled to your lovely country (Britannica is a regular, full-fledged country, isn't it? You have your own money and prisons? I remember reading somewhere that you were still under the rule of the Encyclopedia empire, no?), but I understand you have a bit of a thing about closed circuit television. Good. You got cameras? Get more. Lots more. And listening devices. And those little tracking beacon thingees that go right up peoples' rectums-- Dick Cheney will put you in contact with a very reliable guy who sells these things by the gross.

Third, be consistent in your vigilance when making public statements about the War on Brown People... I mean, the War on Terror. Tell Britannicanians that they could die at any time as a result of terrorism, but be sure to emphasize that it's safe to shop. It's always safe to shop. In fact, it's a religious fact that people killed with shopping bags in their hands enjoy a sort of "express" service to Glor-- Heaven.

Finally, never "take your eye off the ball." What's "the ball"? Freedom, of course. Freedom is a ball to be struck by the bat or golf club of Democremony (show this line to your Poet General, it's some of my best shit-- hosanna); freedom to believe as I do, freedom to fear what I fear, freedom to hate what I hate. Freedom to worship Jesus Christ in a Protestant church.

Gotta go, there's an Equalizer marathon on TV tonight. Before signing off, though, I must highly recommend my new living accommodations. I was skeptical when I first bought this missile silo bungalo from Don Rumsfeld. Felt he was "having fun" with an old country rube like me (don't bother your Minister of Country, just Google the fuckin-- blessed term). But after moving in when I was fired-- reassigned-- moved on with Jesus's plan for my path, I have to say me and the Mrs. are quite enjoying the quiet after the hubbub of Washington. The chemical toilet takes some getting used to, but we offer up these hardships to the Lord who is right now preparing our corner suite in Glory, in the Kingdom of Jesus, in perpituity, with Christ and happiness and crossed swords over the mantle for that time when He deems to enact His exit strategy for us from this world.

Brings a tear to the eye.

Jesus Christ Almight
Ezekiel "Glory" Ashcroft

(These are not the actual words of John Ashcroft, but a satirical work of fiction intended for entertainment purposes only. Any inference, assumption, assignation, or problematicality is purely coincidental and with the greatest of intentions, in perpituity, with all grace and benevolence toward the Reader of the First Part from the Writer in the Second Part, twice removed. Amen.)

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