Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Canadian Judges Without Borders

Nearly 100 percent of the people who go on trial in Russia are convicted. Russians don't hope for fair trials -- only for light sentences.

This is why you should support Canadian Judges Without Borders.

For 40 years, Canadian judges have been releasing offenders they know have committed crimes or sentencing those who've been found guilty to sentences so light and unencumbering that it's virtually Christmas morning every day court is in session.

Now it's time to spread that emotional largesse to criminals around the world.

Canadian Judges Without Borders goes into countries, such as Russia, the Sudan, Egypt and Singapore and work with local judges on learning to love offenders.

"Love can't be taught," says Ralston Leilee, spokesman for Canadian Judges Without Borders, "but it can be learned."

Canadian judges teach foreign judges how to raise a thumb in the direction of defendants and gauge via artistic perspective how many minutes of incarceration would be sufficient to reform, rehabilitate and rejuvenate those tortured souls lost within the bodies of offenders.

"It's an artform, really," says Leilee. "Canadian judges seem to have a special facility for gauging the amount of love that's in a person, on sight, in a courtroom, and then rewarding that love by imposing penal sentences upon them for bolster and nurture that love."

Canadian Judges Without Borders are easy to spot when they're "on the road." They dress in white judicial robes and tend to walk around and conduct themselves as though they are Jesus Christ.

Jewish Canadian judges carry themselves as though they are Moses.

The judges have been criticized in certain countries for this lofty bearing, but Leilee rebuts: "Being a judge is like being God. We have the power to snuff out human lives at will. I've personally witnessed Canadian judges healing the sick in their courtrooms and in one instance, raising the dead.

"A judge in Hamilton, Ontario once cured a bailiff's eczema. That's what I call real results."

When asked what this had to do with the administration of "justice," Ralston Leilee gave a pitying look to the interviewer, then made the sign of the cross while muttering something unintelligible.

"Pearls before swine, my boy," Leilee then said. "Pearls before swine."

At present, Canadian Judges Without Borders is attempting it's greatest coup by seeking access to the North Korean judicial system.

The problem is -- there doesn't seem to be a judicial system in North Korea.

"There's a lot of love in that little guy," Leilee says of North Korean leader, Kim Yong Il. "One of these days we'll get him to see that and he'll welcome our group in with open arms."

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