Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Bristol Palin's plans for the future

From Bristol Palin's Abstinence Speech Canceled Due to WashU and Kate Walsh's Protest

"Bristol was scheduled to speak out about abstinence at the school, but after a small student uprising she’s been disinvited."

First the speech, then the book -- Headline on "Bristol's Memoir Yanked Off"

Like mother, like daughter, Bristol Palin took immediately to Facebook, posting, "I hate them!"

Asked later by Fox News how she felt about her speech being canceled, Bristol Palin responded, "I hate them!"

When the bitchfest clears, what are Bristol Palin's plans?

Inside the Hotdog Factory can exclusively report that Bristol Palin has given up on show business, the college lecture circuit and publishing.

Instead, she's auditioning for the greatest role of her life: the Angel of Death.

It appears that a vacancy has opened in the other world, and pulling strings with her mother's connections with Jesus Christ, Bristol Palin is confident that by this time next month, people dying will see her swooping down upon them.

"Mom always said, 'Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord'," said Bristol Palin. "I don't know what that means, but being the Angel of Death, I feel like I can finally get back at the people I hate."

Like the students of WashU?

"Oh yeah, especially them," Palin said. "I hope they all die of a sex disease like AIDS and then it'll be me coming to scoop up their souls!"

Bristol's sister, Volcano, expressed support for her sister's decision. "At least she doesn't have to go to college. And, like Mom, Bris will be able to use her job to help the family. Imagine -- no one in the Palin family ever dying! We'll live forever like Edward in Twilight! That's awesome!"

Sarah Palin was available for comment, but did not possess the vocabulary to respond. She issued a statement through her publicist: "I have raised my children to see life as a series of challenges and opportunities. Bristol will make a great Angel of Death. The people of this world are lucky to have her."

Fox News has yet to report the story and none of its entertainers have made any statements regarding the choice of Bristol Palin as Angel of Death.

What is known at this hour is that Fox News has tripled Sarah Palin's salary and donated $10 million to her election committee.

Lisby Fallon of RadarOnline asked Bristol Palin, "Who's the first person you're gonna visit in your new job?"

"I can't tell you," Bristol said, "but his name is Levy."

No comments: