Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Donald Rumsfeld's Autobiography

Noted war criminal Donald Rumsfeld has published his long-awaited autobiography in which he dodges -- with the docile, lithe flexibility of a teenager or career liar -- any and all responsibility for his actions in government.

Advanced reviewers at Fox News, though, have been excitedly reporting Rummy's recollections of fiercely opposing the 2003 invasion of Iraq on humanistic grounds, but then winning the war for America by dramatically flying a fight jet there himself in 2006, landing outside the town of Tikrit and going on Iraqi national television where he spent several hours sharing remembrances from his childhood and then singing "Angel of the Morning".

"The man is a national treasure," said Fox News entertainer, Sean Hannity.

In his book, Rummy also recalls teaching Bobby Fischer how to play chess, mentoring a young, floundering blind bassoonist named Ray Charles, and ghost-wrote Gravity's Rainbow.

Other little-known facts Donald Rumsfeld reveals about himself:

  • He founded Doctors Without Borders

  • Knows the actual lyrics to the song "Louie Louie"

  • Advised Karl Rove in 1983 not to pursue a career selling Betamax products

  • Cured the blind father of Kyrgyzstan president, Kurmanbek Bakiyev, in 2002

  • Slept with Marlo Thomas

  • Ghost-wrote 100 episodes of Murder, She Wrote

  • Invented graph paper

  • Has carried the cross on four different occasions during Easter celebrations in Jerusalm

  • Advised John Lennon in 1969 that New York City was a great place to live

  • Introduced Rush Limbaugh to the Monte Cristo sandwich at Bennigan's

  • Perfected an American version of poutine that never caught on

  • Had surgery in 1979 in which his left leg -- rotted with phlebitis -- was replaced with Jim Jones's left leg

  • Invented the Stealth Bomber

  • Invented radar

  • First discovered the cleaning power of oranges

  • Had the original idea for the animated series The Simpsons, but intended to title it The Jaworskis

  • Had a steamy, surrepititious affair with Henry Kissinger's White House office coat tree

  • Was the first to solve the Rubix Cube

  • Swam the Nile in 1966, raising money the Boy Scouts of America

  • Has a sandwich named after him in a New York deli called "The Rummy", which no one in 30 years has been known to order

  • Created the first anti-incontinence undergarment for the Defense Deparment called the DARPA Diaper. This was later handed to industry where it became the Depends Adult Undergarment

When asked by a reporter, "Sir, you claim to have won the Iraq War in 2006. How can that be? The war is still being fought today."

Rumsfeld replied, "Read my book."

When asked how he found the time to cure cancer, Rumsfeld replied, "Read my book."

When asked by a reporter why there was so little mention in the book about the Afghanistan War, Rumsfeld replied: "Because most of my time was tied up reviving the Peace Corps."

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