Sunday, February 06, 2011

Santa Claus Brings Order to Bill O'Reilly

From LA Times Blogs: "Bill O'Reilly ... has been the butt of a thousand jokes after confronting an atheist on his show with irrefutable evidence of the existence of God--using as his evidence the fact that the tides come in and the tides go out."

What the lamestream media is not reporting is that Bill O'Reilly also still believes in Santa Claus.

It seems incredible that a full grown adult -- a broadcast journalist, no less -- could hold such a belief, but Inside the Hotdog Factory is happy to scoop everyone else on this story.

If there's one thing everyone knows about Bill O'Reilly it's that he's a guy who looks for the source of order in a system.

OK, O'Reilly concedes, high and low tides are subject to the whims of the moon. "How did the moon get there, huh?" O'Reilly sharply (though snidely) follows up. "How'd it get there?"

He goes on to query: "Why doesn't Mars or Venus have a moon?"

The questions are rhetorical, of course (or, let's hope they are -- no grown adult could possibly be confused about such matters, least of all a broadcast journalist).

Why does O'Reilly risk widespread ridicule asking questions that any fifth grader could answer? To prove that something brings order to our system.

That something, according to O'Reilly, is God.

And so, Inside the Hotdog Factory has learned that O'Reilly also firmly believes in Santa Clause.

Because -- what else could explain the order brought to December 25th each year?

Are you going to tell Bill that it's parents around the world leaving all of those gifts under tens of millions of Christmas trees each Christmas?

Laughable! At least in Bill O'Reilly's mind.

You couldn't get a room full of people to agree on whether or not global warming is actually occurring, and if it is, what it's cause may be.

If parents of the world were that organized, what would stop them from taking over the planet?

No, it's clearly Santa Claus. He has the means, motive and opportunity.

He's got the supersonic flying sleigh.

He's got The List, which he checks twice -- though Bill and the Deparment of Homeland Security would encourage Santa to check it much more often than that, and with greater rigor. In fact, the CIA would like to have an updated copy of The List.

And Santa's got an entire 24-hour period -- more like 36 hours if he flies with the rotation of the earth -- to complete delivery all of those gifts.

Plenty of time to get the mission done.

It's all about having the shrewd Bill O'Reilly eye and finding that force or deity or fat red-nosed eerily benevolent gift-bearing global house-breaker, who brings order to a system.

Because, in Bill O'Reilly's world, things don't just happen.

Rupert Murdoch is not a fluke. Fox News is not an accident.

They are part of the same cosmic plan perpetrated with perfect choreography across the universe by a fat-bellied, probably diabetic, certainly senile, likely syphilitic, gout-ridden-but-jolly Santa Christ.

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