Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Had they been Canadian . . .

Unfortunately, for many notorious North American criminals, they grew up and committed their crimes in the Land of the Brave, rather than north, in the Land of the Unreal.

How would their lives have been different?

Inside the Hotdog Factory has made its time-travel device available to freelance reporter, Miles Blank, for him to go back in time, and then forward in a different string of reality.

The Blank Report looks at where these notorious, infamous people would be today -- or, what would have become of them -- had they faced Canadian justice for their crimes:
Ted Bundy: After serving four years of a life sentence, Bundy was given parole. With his Parole Board of Canada grants, pension and some loans, he completed law school, changed his name and became a college law professor.

Five years after his release, he applied for and was granted a pardon from the Parole Board of Canada.

Although offered tenure at numerous Canadian institutions, Bundy remained on the move, never staying in any single location for more than a couple of years. This was viewed by the Parole Board of Canada as his "attempt to share his great knowledge and personal charm as widely and commendably as possible."

No one made the connection between Bundy's travels and the trail of raped, murdered and mutilated college-aged young women turning up across the country.

John Wayne Gacey: After serving three years of a life sentence, he was granted parole. Using his Parole Board of Canada pension, and the collection of sweaters knitted for him by the judge who presided over his trial, Gacey reentered society and became a successful realtor.

He applied for and received a pardon from the Parole Board of Canada, and then applied for and received a grant to attend rodeo clown college in Alberta.

Much like Ted Bundy, Gacey traveled widely and lived in many communities in the great, expansive country of Canada. The Parole Board of Canada viewed this as Gacey's attempt at reacquainting himself with the people he'd wrong with his crimes (never once considering that the people he'd actually wronged with his crimes were dead and six feet under the ground, or living with memories of those lost loved ones).

Aileen Wuornos: After serving three months house arrest, Wuornos took her Parole Board of Canada pension and gift cards sent to her by the judge who'd presided over her case, and moved to British Columbia. There, she became a high school gym teacher.

She did little traveling and was known to keep pretty much to herself.

Wuornos did, however, organize an annual Thelma & Louise Film Festival & Feminist Forum at which films about abusive men coming to violent ends were shown over the course of Victoria Day Weekend, and discussed at length in the forums.

The Parole Board of Canada silently applauded Wuornos for finding her niche, and getting in touch with her artistic side.

Charles Manson: After serving three weeks of house arrest for car theft (having never murdered anyone, he wasn't tried for murder), Charles Manson was released into society in 1970.

He attempted a series of unsuccessful car thefts that left his doting parole officer tsking tsking, "Oh Charles, what am I going to do with you, you rapscallion?"

He served a few more stints of house arrest, and once received a moderately acerbic tongue-lashing from a judge -- on Mr. Manson's 16th offense -- but later received a knitted sweater in the post from the justice as a way of apology.

In 1979, Manson became a guitar teacher in Saskatchewan. One afternoon, while shoplifting a set of guitar strings, he sassed the wrong store owner and died of a single punch to the face.

Manson's killer was charged with 8th degree accidental, unintentional murder. He was sentenced to three weeks' house arrest -- suspended.

Charles Manson was part of the 1 percent of criminals in Canada who apply for but do not receive a pardon from the Parole Board of Canada.

Tim McVeigh: After being found guilty by a jury, but having the verdict overturned by the judge, McVeigh attended teachers' college and became a high school shop teacher in Toronto, Ontario.

Because the outcome of his trial went his way, McVeigh never again had a gripe with the government.

The Boston Strangler: He was found not guilty of his crimes by reason of insanity.

A few years after he was remanded to The Pierre Trudeau Psychiatric Hospital for the Socially Challenged, a paperwork mix-up established Albert DeSalvo as a counselor in the hospital, rather than a patient. He went on to become one of Canada's highest paid public servants.

When the bureaucratic mistake was uncovered, all concerned believed it would hurt DeSalvo's confidence and belief in himself if his privileges as head psychiatrist were taken away, so he remained chief of staff at PTPHSC.

Although he allowed his duties to lighten over the years, DeSalvo remained active.

In 2009, Prime Minister Stephen Harper appointed Albert DeSalvo to the Canadian Senate for his work in the area of population control.

In 2010, after Michaëlle Jean stepped down as Governor General of Canada, Albert DeSalvo took the post when a special provision was made for him that he need not be fluent in -- or have any knowledge of -- the French language.

In June 14, 2012, to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the start of his infamous crime spree, DeSalvo broke into the Ottawa, Ontario apartment of a single, middle-aged woman, and raped and murdered her.

Due to his advanced age, his importance to Canada, not only was Albert DeSalvo not prosecuted upon his capture for the crime, but June 14 was declared "Albert DeSalvo Day" by Prime Minister Stephen Harper.


Anonymous said...

This reads like an 8th grade creative writing assignment.

Points for imagination and wild speculation, as well as a nearly complete disengagement with reality. Bonus points for inflammatory rhetoric, based on nothing more than the wild fears and fantasies of your mind.

Whetam Gnauckweirst said...

There's nothing like the brave anonymous poster sharing pomposity.

Obviously you have no other venue for it but unsuspecting blogs.